We’ve all been there—caught in an endless loop of self-criticism after something didn’t go the way we’d hoped. Maybe you walked away from an important conversation wishing you’d spoken up, made a decision that didn’t turn out as expected, or felt like you let yourself down in a moment that mattered.
The mind is quick to start its “should-have, could-have, would-have” cycle, pulling us into regret, frustration, or even self-loathing. But what if, instead of spiraling, you could shift your perspective, calm your inner turmoil, and reconnect with self-compassion?
Here are five ways to move from self-criticism to self-kindness—so you can feel lighter, clearer, and more at peace.
1. Name the Spiral—And Stop Feeding It
When self-critical thoughts start flooding in, they can feel overwhelming. The first step to breaking free is simply naming what’s happening:
“I’m spiraling into self-blame right now.”
“I’m stuck in regret mode.”
“I’m beating myself up for something I can’t change.”
Why this works: Giving your thoughts a label creates distance between you and them—you are not your thoughts. Recognizing the spiral as a pattern (rather than an ultimate truth) helps weaken its grip.
Try this: The moment you notice the self-blame, imagine hitting a “pause” button in your mind. Say out loud: “Okay, this is the part where I start overanalyzing and going down that rabbit hole… I see you, brain.”
2. Shift the Channel: Redirect, Don’t Engage
Once you’ve named the spiral, the next step is not giving it more fuel. The mind loves to latch onto negative thoughts and replay them like a broken record. Instead of entertaining the same storyline, try deliberately shifting your attention. This isn’t about mindless bingeing—it’s a conscious choice. Think of it as a temporary crutch to help you through the rough patch. Your mind will likely snap back to the problem again and again, but each time, you gently guide yourself back to a ‘good’ distraction that has the power to lift your mood, even if just for the moment
Ways to shift:
– Listen to a song that is fun/uplifting
– Play a quick game (something immersive)
– Read a few pages of a book
– Watch something light & fun (comedy works wonders) or engaging
– Get outside & change your physical space
3. Reframe the Narrative: XP Gained, Not a ‘Failure’
Instead of seeing the situation as something you failed at, shift the perspective:
You didn’t fail—you gained experience points (XP).
Think of it like a video (or d&d!) game: Sometimes, you lose gold but gain skills. Sometimes, you don’t defeat the villain, but you learn its weak spots for next time. Every challenge adds to your level-up.
Try this: Ask yourself:
– “What did I learn here?”
– “What would I do differently next time?”
– “How does this make me stronger?”
Every difficult moment is a growth opportunity—but only if you choose to see it that way.
4. Speak to Yourself Like You Would to a Friend
Would you ever talk to a friend the way you’re talking to yourself?
If a friend came to you saying, “I messed up so badly. I should have done this differently.”—you wouldn’t say, “Yeah, you’re right. You’re awful, how could you?!”
You’d say something kind, reassuring, and understanding—so why not offer the same to yourself?
Try this:
Imagine your best friend is in your shoes and think about how you’d comfort them. Then, say those exact words to yourself.
– “You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.”
– “It’s okay to not get everything right—nobody does.”
– “You’re learning and growing, and that’s what matters.”
The ‘advanced’ and more direct version of this is to actually really say these things to yourself. You can say something like: hey -your name- be kind to yourself! You are already feeling bad, don’t put yourself down further. Take a deep breath and give yourself some love and compassion!
5. Let It Go: A ‘Mental Trash Can’ for Overthinking
Sometimes, thoughts feel like they need to be processed forever—but not everything requires endless analysis.
You are allowed to let it go.
One way to do this is by visualizing a “mental trash can.”
How it works:
–Picture a trash can in your mind—whatever it looks like for you.
– Write out (mentally or on paper) the thoughts that are looping.
– Crumple them up and throw them in the trash.
– Imagine emptying out the whole the bin—gone. …. repeat if needed!
This doesn’t mean avoiding feelings—it means deciding when enough reflection is enough. Some thoughts don’t need to stay in your mental space forever.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Learning to turn self-loathing into self-love isn’t about ignoring mistakes or never feeling bad. It’s about choosing to treat yourself with kindness, even when things don’t go perfectly.
You are not your past choices. You are not defined by one moment.
So the next time self-criticism starts creeping in, try one (or all) of these strategies. With practice, self-compassion becomes second nature—and that’s where true growth begins.
Beyond the 5 Steps: Extra Insight for Lasting Transformation
This one is a bonus for the deep thinkers: Uncovering the real issue
Self-criticism doesn’t appear out of nowhere—it’s usually tied to something deeper. If you find yourself stuck in self-scolding, try taking a step back and asking:
“What is this actually triggering in me?”
Is it…
– Self-worth? → Do I feel like I don’t deserve better?
– People-pleasing? → Am I afraid I let someone down?
– Anger? → Am I mad at myself or someone else?
– A trauma response? → Did I “freeze” in a way that felt familiar?
Why this works: Instead of just drowning in frustration, you turn it into a discovery. Instead of spiraling, you identify something real to work on—which is empowering!
If you can name the pattern, you can change it...
Want to Explore This Further? Let’s Work Together!
The beautiful thing about therapy is that it gives you a structured, supportive space to uncover and heal these deeper patterns.
I’ve walked this path myself. I know what it’s like to uncover hidden blocks and find ways to move through them. And I know that you can, too. Together, we can explore what’s beneath the self-doubt, uncover what’s holding you back, and help you move forward with clarity, confidence, and self-trust.
… If this resonates with you, I’d love to support you. You can book a…
